


Bittersweet Feeling (Longing and I’m Leaving)

by dragongirlG



Series: Come Home [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpine the Cat, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bathing/Washing, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort Bingo Round 10, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Modern Bucky Barnes, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky Bingo 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 23:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20266228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragongirlG/pseuds/dragongirlG
Summary: After Ultron's attack on Johannesburg, the Avengers meet at Bucky Barnes' cabin to regroup, and Bucky gives Steve some tender, loving care. Steve makes a choice about his future with the Avengers and his relationship with Bucky.Sequel toHoneymoon Cabinset during Avengers: Age of Ultron. Fill for Hurt/Comfort Bingo Round 10 (square: "taking care of somebody") and Stucky Bingo 2019 (square: "caretaking/bedside vigil").





	Bittersweet Feeling (Longing and I’m Leaving)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lyn7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyn7/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Honeymoon Cabin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17236700) by [dragongirlG](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragongirlG/pseuds/dragongirlG). 

> Thank you to lyn7, who originally gave me this idea in a comment on Honeymoon Cabin. Many thanks again to the Stucky Bingo Discord for giving me a challenge ("I think you should sit down") and inspiring me to finally complete this story. As always, thank you to my wonderful beta W, who caught a hilarious typo and corrected "pickled" to "prickled" toward the end of the story. 
> 
> Clint's farm and secret family do not exist in this universe.
> 
> This is set two and a half years after Honeymoon Cabin. Steve and Bucky have been dating since the end of that story.

When the Quinjet lands, Steve's still reeling from the vision that Scarlet Witch put into his head: Bucky, lying bloody and broken on the ground, reaching for Steve with betrayal pooling in his bright blue eyes. Steve had called him as soon as they reached the right airspace, and Bucky had assured him he was all right, but all of that hasn't stopped the panic from rushing over Steve in waves during the seemingly eternal flight.

Steve's up and out of his seat as soon as the wheels hit the ground, waiting impatiently by the door as it slowly opens out onto the green grass of the woods surrounding the property.

"Uh, so where are we going?" asks Tony as they trek through the trees.

"The Honeymoon Cabin," Natasha answers, wincing with the effort.

"I'm sorry, the _what_?"

"Former AirBnB owned by the Painters, a nice elderly couple," Natasha says. "Sold to James Barnes, veteran of the U.S. Army, in 2011."

"Is that the one that we put on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s welcome package for Cap?" asks Clint.

"Wait," says Tony before Natasha can answer, "Barnes. _Barnes. _I know that name—"

"Who is James Barnes?" interrupts Thor, sounding confused. "Is he a friend of ours?"

"He's—" Steve starts, but he's saved from answering as they come upon the amphitheater. Bucky's sitting at the top of the steps with Alpine in his lap, dressed in a pair of worn jeans and his favorite blue sweater. Bucky's staring at his cell phone, one hand gripping it tight while the other runs through Alpine's fur, over and over.

Alpine spots Steve first, darting off Bucky's lap and entwining herself around Steve's ankles with demanding meows. Steve kneels and pets her, gently scratching under her chin just the way she likes it.

"Oh, I see," says Bucky with a huff. "It's all about the cat. I _knew_ it."

"Buck," Steve breathes, rising. Alpine turns her attention to Natasha. Steve steps forward, and Bucky reaches out, pulling him into a hug. Steve breathes in the scent of Bucky's shampoo, closing his eyes as relief floods his veins. It's been a month a half since he saw Bucky; it's been far too long.

"Hey, hey," says Bucky, stroking the back of Steve’s neck, "I'm all right. You want to introduce me to your friends?"

"Yeah," says Steve, and he steps back with reluctance and turns around. Tony's staring at him like he's grown two heads, Clint's wearing a friendly smile, Thor and Bruce look confused, and Natasha's crouched on the ground petting a purring Alpine. "Um," says Steve, heat creeping up the back of his neck. "So. Everyone, this is Bucky. My boyfriend. Bucky, this is my team. You know who they are."

"Cap, you…have…a boyfriend?" says Tony, gobsmacked.

Clint whistles. "Wow. You did a good job keeping that off S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radar."

Natasha stands and smirks, giving Bucky a once-over. "So _you’re_ the person Steve's texting all the time during missions."

“You knew about this?” Tony asks, eyes wide.

Natasha hums. “I did.”

Steve suppresses a sigh. Natasha had been the first person to figure out Steve had a boyfriend. Sam Wilson had been the second. Steve hadn’t been prepared to tell anyone else on the team. He wasn’t ashamed of Bucky; he just wanted to keep his private life private, especially since everyone felt entitled to a piece of him.

"Um," says Bruce, after an awkward silence, "so...congratulations, Steve? It's nice to meet you, Bucky."

"Likewise," says Bucky, his eyes lighting up. "I'm a huge fan of your work, Dr. Banner. The—the superhero stuff, of course, but also your research."

"Thank you," says Bruce, surprised. "You know, I don't get compliments on my actual career often these days. Are you, um, interested in the field?"

Bucky runs a hand through his hair, suddenly shy. "Yeah, I'm…I'll be starting school in the fall at the University of Washington for my bachelor's. I'm undeclared right now, but I'm hoping to get a degree in some type of engineering. Maybe bioengineering, or—or electrical engineering. I'm not really sure yet."

A proud smile creeps across Steve's face. Bucky's been studying a lot on his own, anxious about being behind after his years of service in the army, but Steve has full confidence that Bucky will succeed. He hopes Bucky will eventually come to believe it too.

Tony blinks and snaps his fingers. "Hey, wait. I know you. Barnes. You're—you've got one of my prototype prosthetics, don't you?"

"Tony," Steve frowns, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's okay, Steve," says Bucky with a small, nervous smile, and he looks at Tony. "Um. You're right. We actually met a couple times, back when I was in the hospital. The arm works great. Thank you."

The tense lines on Tony's face smooth out. "Good. You know, since we're here and all, if you're up for a little testing to develop improvements…"

"Let's go inside," Steve snaps, more harshly than he intends. He winces.

"Sir, yes, sir," Clint mutters.

"Lead the way," says Natasha, raising an eyebrow.

Bucky clears his throat. "Here, I'll show you where you're staying. It's just a little ways through the woods." He begins walking, and they all follow: Clint with a supportive arm around Natasha; Tony and Bruce, sharing a tense and guilty silence in the aftermath of Ultron's destruction; Thor, swinging his hammer distractedly as he looks around at his surroundings. Steve takes the rear with his shield on his back, keeping an eye and ear out for anything untoward as he breathes in the familiar woodsy smell of home. Alpine walks beside him.

Bucky doesn't go directly to the cabin. Instead, he heads east of the amphitheater. Steve catches on at once. 

Bucky has spent the last three years expanding the once singular Honeymoon Cabin to a small compound of tiny houses that he rents out to travelers passing through town. The project started with the addition of a small shed, which Bucky and Steve had built together two summers ago. It quickly took on a life of its own as Bucky's interest and aptitude for engineering emerged. Although Bucky occasionally consulted Steve on design, Steve served primarily as manual labor alongside a team of local contractors who couldn't care less about his identity. Bucky also did his fair share of the construction, his SI-provided metal arm proving extremely useful in transporting heavy loads.

Now, three tiny houses sit in a clearing, equidistant from each other and the cabin. In front of each one sits a square yard plot with a budding fruit tree, strategically placed to cover the window.

"So, each house has its own bathroom, kitchenette, and lofted bedroom," says Bucky. "The doors are all unlocked right now. Instructions for setting up the security system are taped to the inside of the front door. I put in fresh sheets, towels, and toiletries. If you need anything, just um—come to the cabin, I guess. I figure you all can meet me there after you wash up a little."

"Problem, Buckaroo," says Tony. "There are only three houses. Excluding Captain Lovebug there, there are still"—he counts using his fingers—"five Avengers. Some of us are going to have to share."

"I've got a couch," Bucky offers.

"Barton and I will bunk together," says Natasha. "We've done it before."

Clint shrugs, unconcerned. "Sure. Whatever."

"And I will not be staying here," Thor announces, "So you may have your own dwelling, Stark, and you too, Banner."

Steve frowns. "Where are you going?" he asks Thor.

Thor's expression is troubled. "I saw something in the dream the witch gave me. I need to return home and get answers." He doesn't wait for a response before he shoots off into the sky.

"Well," says Bruce, "I guess that settles that."

Steve sighs and rubs his forehead. "All right. Fine."

"Did he just shotput himself into space?" Bucky asks, staring at the sky in the direction Thor went, looking a little dazed.

"Yep," says Clint. 

Bucky shakes his head. "Superheroes," he sighs, and he clears his throat. "I'll get started on dinner. Anyone have any food restrictions?"

"I like blueberries," says Tony.

"That's…not what I asked," says Bucky, "and they're not in season, anyway. But you're in luck—I've got some that I froze last summer. I can use them to make a pie."

"Pie," says Clint with a pleased sigh, "I like the sound of that."

"Let's regroup in an hour," says Steve, and he frowns, turning to Bucky. "Is that enough time?"

"Yeah," says Bucky, and he gives the other Avengers a little wave. "It was nice to meet you all. See you soon."

“Nice to meet you too, Bucky,” says Bruce.

Steve watches Tony and Bruce enter the houses on either end, while Natasha and Clint slip into the middle one with Alpine at their heels. When all the doors have closed, he sighs, sagging as the weight of the day finally crashes down upon him. HYDRA's still out there, the Tower's been destroyed, Ultron is wreaking havoc overseas with the help of some extremely powerful and extremely misguided teenagers—

"Steve," says Bucky softly, slinging an arm around Steve’s waist to support his weight. "Hey. Come on, I think you should sit down.”

“Yeah,” says Steve. He feels distant, detached from his own body. “I--yeah. Thanks, Buck.”

Steve lets Bucky pull him through the door and down the hall to the bathroom. “Sit,” says Bucky, and Steve does, watching steam rise as Bucky fills the bathtub with hot water. “You want bubbles?”

“Sure,” says Steve.

Steve perks up a little as the earthy scent of their bath foam fills the room. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, suddenly hyper aware of the dirty uniform clinging to his skin, the heavy shield resting on his back. He stands abruptly, removing the shield, then frantically undoes all the buckles and zippers and buttons of the uniform, nearly ripping the Kevlar in the process.

“Better?” asks Bucky.

“Much,” says Steve. He carefully peels off his sweat-stained undershirt, then slips out of his boxers and sinks down into the tub, closing his eyes. Instantly, an image of Bucky's lifeless body flashes in front of him. Steve gasps and jolts upright.

"Hey," says Bucky, grasping Steve's hand. "I'm here."

Steve scrubs at his eyes. "Sorry," he says with a wet laugh. "I didn't mean to—to dump this all on you. I worked so hard to keep you out of all this superhero stuff and instead I've brought it right to your doorstep."

"It's okay."

"It's not—"

"It _is_." Bucky's voice is firm. "Steve, look at me."

Steve lifts his eyes.

Bucky looks at him steadily. "Listen to me, Steve. You're Captain America. We don't talk about it much, I know—you don't want to bring your work home with you. You want to be Steve Rogers, and that's okay. I love Steve Rogers."

Steve's heart flutters. It's not the first time Bucky has said it, but it still gives him a thrill to hear it.

Bucky reaches forward, cupping Steve's cheek with his flesh hand. "I don't ever want you to feel like you can't ask me for help when you need it. You've seen me through some of my worst moments—the anniversaries of my family's death, bad days with the arm, that time Alpine got so sick last year that I was afraid she was going to die. I'll be there for yours, too."

Steve swallows hard, pressing a kiss to Bucky's wrist. "Thank you, Buck."

Bucky smiles, leaning in and brushing his lips across Steve's. Steve opens his mouth to let him in, cupping Bucky's neck with one foam-covered hand as Bucky braces himself against the tub. "This okay?" asks Steve.

"Yeah," Bucky whispers. "I missed you."

They kiss at a slow, unhurried pace, relearning each other after their separation. Steve feels himself harden, and Bucky notices, slipping one hand under the foam and wrapping his fingers around Steve's length. Steve sighs and tips his head back, letting it rest against the wall as Bucky works him with slow, teasing strokes. "Feels good," he murmurs.

"Good," says Bucky. He gradually quickens his pace, and the kisses between them get sloppier. Soon, Steve's pleasure crests into an orgasm, and the world whites out in a brief, blissful moment of pleasure. Afterward, he feels boneless—and drowsy, too, like he could sleep for another seventy years if only Bucky could be at his side.

"Don't fall asleep," says Bucky with a small laugh, and he kisses Steve, soft and sweet. "Come on, lift yourself up a bit. I'll wash your hair."

Steve obeys, closing his eyes with a hum. "You're so good to me, Buck."

"I try," Bucky answers, and a few seconds later he's lathering up Steve's short hair, massaging Steve's skull in the process. Bucky rinses the shampoo out with a stream of warm water, does another round with conditioner, and then moves on to massaging Steve's neck and shoulders. Steve's breath leaves him in a long, slow sigh as the tension leaches out of his body, and he sinks deeper into the water, soaking up the last of its warmth. 

When the water is lukewarm, Steve opens his eyes and meets Bucky's soft gaze. "Going to rinse off with a shower," he tells Bucky, gathering a handful of foam in his palm. "Want to join me?" He glances at Bucky's slightly tented jeans. His own cock perks up with renewed interest.

Bucky smiles ruefully, shifting a little as he adjusts himself. "I'd better get started on dinner."

"But," says Steve.

Bucky's eyes crinkle. "You can make it up to me later. Tonight, when we're curled up in bed together."

Steve grins at the image. "We'll just have to make sure to keep Alpine out of the room."

"Not a problem," says Bucky. He stands up, stretching, and shakes out his limbs. "See you in a little bit?"

Steve tamps down his disappointment and nods, turning on the spray. Afterward, he wraps himself in a large, fluffy towel, grabs his shield and dirty uniform from the floor, and heads to the bedroom. He wraps his uniform in a spare laundry bag, sets his shield in the corner, and then opens his designated dresser drawer, pulling out the softest clothing he can find: boxers, sweatpants, a worn blue Henley, and a pair of woolly socks he stole from Bucky. He smiles at himself in the mirror before he leaves the room. Steve likes the way he looks in these clothes: not like a superhero, but like a person, who not only lives in this century but belongs in it. He has Bucky to thank for that.

Savory smells waft in from the kitchen, making Steve's stomach grumble. Steve pads down the hall to find Bucky at the stove, his hair tied back loosely and an apron wrapped around his waist. "I hope all your friends like pasta," says Bucky, grinning. "Easy to cook in large quantities, and quick, too. I made a meat sauce with beef and a veggie sauce for Dr. Banner because you told me once that he's a vegetarian. You want to come help stir?"

Steve nods, grabbing a wooden spoon, and feels something in him settle as he stirs the bubbling sauces. He and Bucky cook together every time Steve visits, that is to say—not nearly enough. When Steve was working for S.H.I.E.L.D., he tried to come every two weeks, though he didn't always succeed. Ever since HYDRA was unearthed, however, his life has been an endless parade of missions, press conferences, and strategy meetings. His time between visits is longer now, usually a month or sometimes even two, and the guilt threatens to strangle him more often than not.

A companionable silence reigns for twenty minutes, and then Bucky turns to Steve with a furrowed brow.

"What is it, Buck?" asks Steve.

Bucky takes a deep breath. "Have you talked to your team yet?"

Steve swallows hard and slowly shakes his head. "Not yet," he answers quietly. He knows he needs to; September is coming up fast. Steve's agreed to watch the property and take care of Alpine while Bucky goes to school in Seattle. The plan is for Bucky to rent an apartment in the city, so that he can attend his classes without worrying about a long commute, and then come home to visit on weekends and during holidays. It'll be a reversal of their positions, and both Steve and Bucky are worried about it.

"Oh," says Bucky, his mouth creased in disappointment.

"I'm sorry," says Steve, and he means it. "After this is over, Buck—and I'll make sure it's over before summer ends—I'll stop. I'll drop it all, I'll—I don’t know, focus on my art again—"

"Steve," says Bucky, his voice soft, "I know you won't do that. Not when there's a way you can still help. Not when there's a fight still brewing."

Steve's shoulders slump.

"Hey," says Bucky, softening his words with a gentle kiss on the cheek. "You're the leader of the team, right? Stark's got to have some advanced tech that allows you to communicate from a distance. Maybe you can be like…mission control, you know, like NASA has for astronauts."

"That's a good idea," says Steve, and he tries to envision it. Sitting comfortably at home, commanding in his pajamas while the rest of the team goes and risks their lives—

He chokes. The thought is anathema, especially right now.

"We'll figure it out," says Bucky, as if he's been reading Steve's mind. He gives Steve a small, tight-lipped smile and lifts the pot of pasta, draining the water through a colander.

"Bucky," says Steve, helplessly. He thinks of what Sam said to him a year ago in DC: _What makes you happy?_

_Not a lot,_ Steve responded at the time; he'd just come off a visit with Bucky, and his heart had ached with longing.

Sam frowned and tilted his head, understanding in his eyes. _You lose someone?_

_No_, said Steve, _Not yet, but I'm afraid I will. _

"Bucky," Steve says again.

Bucky's shoulders tighten. "Yeah?"

Steve carefully turns Bucky around, pulling him into a hug. "I'm going to do it," Steve murmurs, nuzzling Bucky's neck. "I will. I promise I'll be here for you and Al, sooner rather than later."

"Okay," Bucky says, his voice hoarse. "Okay. I believe you."

A knock on the door startles them both. "Hey, lovebirds," calls Tony, "Can we come in?"

Steve sighs and calls, "Yeah, Tony. Come on in."

The rest of the night passes in a haze of debriefs, arguments, and planning. Nick Fury shows up just in time to eat a slice of Bucky's homemade blueberry pie and give a rousing speech about how the Avengers are the only ones who can save the world from Ultron. Shortly afterward, Bruce suggests that Ultron has probably gone to Helen Cho's lab to create a more powerful body, and Steve barely has time to kiss Bucky goodbye before he’s suiting up and rushing out the door alongside Natasha and Clint. Bucky watches them go, an unhappy twist to his mouth, and the sight haunts Steve long after the cabin disappears from view.

* * *

The mission ends with Pietro Maximoff dead and the capital of Sokovia completely obliterated. Bruce nearly goes AWOL, wracked with guilt at how much destruction the Hulk inflicted, but Natasha finds him and convinces him to come back to America with the team. "We all have red in our ledgers," she tells him. "It's not easy to wipe out, but we have to try."

Steve looks around at the damage, and exhaustion seeps into his bones, turning the world dull and gray. He thinks of his future and sees an endless stream of missions, each one longer than the last, keeping him downtrodden and distant until fighting as Captain America is all he knows. Heat prickles in his eyes at the inevitable consequences: losing Bucky, his heart, his soul, his _home. _The precious moments they've shared together have always been stolen, darkened by a looming sense of duty that Steve is finally ready to shake.

When Fury gathers the team and asks them to set up a new Avengers Facility in upstate New York, Steve takes a deep breath and says, firmly, "No."

"No?" says Fury, raising an eyebrow.

Steve steels himself and looks around at each person in the room: Fury, Sam, Natasha, Clint, Rhodey, Tony, Bruce, Vision, and Wanda. "I'm taking a leave of absence for the next four and half years."

“Wait, what?” says Tony.

"Is this about your boyfriend?" asks Fury. "We can protect him. Hell, we can even invite him to the team—"

"No," Steve says again, and the word sits better on his tongue this time. He scrubs a hand over his face. "I'll be your consultant, if you're willing to have me in that capacity. I'll still help plan missions—even command during them. And I'll still contribute to rebuilding efforts, and press, and strategy, and training. But all of it has to be done from a distance. I promised Bucky I would take care of his—our—home while he was in school, and I intend to keep my word."

Sam is the first to speak. "Hey, man," he says, clapping Steve on the back, "I'm proud of you."

Natasha smiles at him, a small, genuine thing that lights up her face. "I am, too. Go get him, tiger."'

"Congratulations?" says Bruce tentatively.

Tony huffs. "Well—okay, fine. But we're all invited to the wedding, right, Cap?"

Steve blushes. "If it comes to that, then yes."

"Tony at a wedding?" Rhodey mutters under his breath. "God help us all." 

Tony looks offended. 

“Excuse me, Captain,” says Vision politely, “May we visit you?”

“Of course. Just give us some advance warning.”

"Wouldn't want to walk in on something that can't be unseen," says Clint, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Steve blushes even harder. "That's right, you wouldn't." He clears his throat, letting his eyes linger on Wanda before turning back to the rest of the group. "If you ever need a place to shelter, to get away from all this superhero business, well, we have three houses, and more coming. You're always welcome."

Steve declines the offer of a Quinjet and returns to Washington state riding economy class on a plane with his shield as his carry-on. It attracts a few curious glances, but Steve pretends that it's nothing out of the ordinary, and nobody approaches him about it. (He does cheat a little and use his Avengers clearance to get through the security line.)

When he lands at Sea-Tac, he rents a car and then hops onto the ferry, climbing onto the deck so he can get a lungful of fresh ocean air. The Puget Sound stretches out in front of him, glittering green and blue in the afternoon light, and Steve's hands itch for a set of colored pencils or paints for the first time in seventy years.

The sun is dipping below the horizon by the time Steve has finished crossing the series of bridges that leads to the island. Peace settles over him like a warm blanket as he drives up the long, winding roads until he reaches the driveway to the cabin. He parks in front and knocks on the door, startling a little as Al twirls around his ankles.

"Hey, Al," he croons, bending down to pet her. "I missed you."

The door opens, and Steve rises to find Bucky looking down at him, shaking his head. "It's always about the cat," Bucky sighs. "Always—_oof!_"

Alpine meows in displeasure and darts underneath their legs into the house.

"Sorry," says Steve, loosening his grip around Bucky's shoulders, and he presses an apologetic kiss to Bucky's neck.

"Steve," Bucky breathes, looking into Steve's eyes. There's hope in them, but it's tempered by fear. "Are you…are you staying?"

"Yeah, Buck," says Steve, and he can't help the smile that spreads across his face. "I'm staying for good. I'll be here with you, watching over the house and Al, while you’re in school. I’ll still be working on Avengers stuff, but it'll be on a remote basis until you graduate.”

Bucky's eyes glitter with tears. "Steve," he breathes. "Thank you."

Steve kisses him deeply, pouring all his love into the space between their bodies. Bucky melts into it with a soft, happy sigh. The sun sets around them, red and orange spilling out between the rich green leaves of the trees and casting a warm glow over the cabin. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> [Reblog on Tumblr](https://dragongirlg-fics.tumblr.com/post/187044044263/bittersweet-feeling-longing-and-im-leaving)
> 
> Title from ["Homesick"](https://youtu.be/P2TIkY8tfk8) by Dua Lipa feat. Chris Martin.
> 
> Come say hello: [Tumblr](https://dragongirlg-fics.tumblr.com/) | [Dreamwidth](https://dragongirlg.dreamwidth.org/) | [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/dragongirlg)


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